Marva Mortley
Staff Writer
“I can cope with being single – actually, I do single very well thank you. It’s being lonely in my singlehood that’s the challenge.” This was the declaration of one of a group of ladies having dinner across from me. I sat quietly enjoying my meal with a book for company – it was a good book. I had to admit that I shared her view. I couldn’t help but wonder how many people in similar situations also shared this sentiment.
You’ve been everything in the wedding party except the bride or groom. That one special person you thought you would be with you the rest of your life said, “No.” So 10 years later you have a thriving career, a home, some financial security, good prospects for the future, and a passel of life experiences. Yet, marriage and a life partner have eluded you. It’s not for the want of trying; group dating, speed dating, internet dating, blind dating and family/friends ‘fix-ups.’ Still you are unattached and lonely. The question now becomes how to survive the challenges of loneliness in singlehood when you would really love to be in a relationship? I asked some singles I know. Here is a selection of their comments on the topic.
Lynette – Age: 40’s
“I try not to look at singleness as a life sentence. I try to enjoy singleness by traveling, doing the things I love and being active in my church; my faith is important to me and impacts my lifestyle choices. I get lonely at times but combat it by interacting more with friends and family, attending services and involving myself in healthy platonic relationships. The struggle for sex is not prominent with me because I’m not active. I am preparing myself to meet the right man.”
John – Age: 40’s
“Just because I’m single doesn’t mean I’m lonely. Whether I’m in a relationship or not, I’ll have the same level of happiness and contentment. I am still a whole person. I don’t believe in ‘my better half’ or “you complete me.” I go out; dine, watch movies with or without companionship.”
Michelle – Age: 40’s
“It’s palatable to be single when you have a career, a safe and clean place to live, health and money. The moment you don’t have one of these or a combination of them, life can be very challenging. It also gets noticeably lonesome if you can’t do a lot of recreational, healthy and fun things because your funds are few and having a vibrant social life is limited. However you can make do with whatever state you are in and if you incorporate in your life a relationship with the Creator, life becomes more viable, possible, peaceable and successful.”
Jayce – Age: 50’s
“I’m self-motivated and self-entertaining. At times I just go out and drive – going from city to city. Seeing places helps eradicate loneliness. I’m always on the road. I produce music for a living and it takes me on the road. Singleness is awesome. I go to the movies; I go to the mountains and take nature walks. Now I wouldn’t turn down a great relationship, but singleness gives me time to think.”
Jordan – Age: 20’s
“Being single is very beneficial to one’s personal growth, self -discovery and development. It gives you the opportunity to find yourself spiritually and helps you create a self-love.”
Sibila – Age: 30’s
“… If you are not close to God it can be horrible. You can get into covetousness as you look at other people’s lives. It can turn into depression. There is also a possibility of lust. Not everyone needs to be married. Earnestly, I say no one is completing me. If I find her, we are adding to each other which will result in us growing closer to God and to each other.”
Beverley – Age: 50’s
“Being single and dealing with loneliness grew on me. I have been single for oh… about twenty-seven years, after being married for two years. I was also a single parent and had to focus on providing for my son and myself so dating was not a priority. I went back to college around the time my son went back to middle school. Also I was very active in the Church I attended. Not too long after, I re-enlisted in the military this time with the Army National Guard. I was kept pretty busy because I had a lot of responsibility and little down time. Currently, my son is single too and I’m out of the military.
I am now self-employed as a nanny, a driver and a care-giver. I get burnt out, and yes, a little lonely. My main coping skill for dealing with loneliness is to keep busy. Usually I read romance novels, go to the movies and attend Church services. I participate in choir, praise team and various activities which includes taking my mom to Church. Lately to deal with loneliness I spend time with my extended family and friends. Some of them are out of state so we spend time on the phone.”
Carmen – Age: 40’s [Author of: “Why Marry” by Future Family Publishing, 2015]
“I went out a lot with anybody! I studied all men and what they liked and didn’t like. When I couldn’t get a date, I dressed up and took myself out. Men approach women who are fearless. Now I didn’t go places where I didn’t feel safe, but I went out – dinner, shows, everything. Understand that your independence is valuable. Be lead-able. Be feminine and independent. It’s the balance that takes time to learn.”
It is apparent from these comments and various conversations that people deal with the issue of being single and lonely in a number of different ways. The truth is loneliness is a really serious issue for many people. It is not confined only to those who are single. It is a feeling akin to abandonment and it can often have dangerous consequences for one’s health. A review was carried out across 148 studies with 308,849 participants, to find out how much effect social relationships had on mortality rates. The reviewers found that people who had stronger relationships also had a 50% higher chance of survival.
These shocking findings showed that the added risks from loneliness are comparable to the risks to mortality from smoking and alcohol consumption. In fact, the risks were greater than those from physical inactivity and obesity. [Social Relationships and Mortality Risk: A Meta-analytic Review. Authors: Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Timothy B. Smith, and J. Bradley Layton. July 2010 at www.joutrnals.plos.org] I don’t think it is surprising to learn that loneliness is such a serious threat to good health and wellness. As such, it deserves serious and intentional counter measures. Keep in mind, that loneliness can be a precursor to depression. Where someone is suffering depression appropriate medical and professional intervention is needed.
However, before we get to that place, there are some practical steps and vital lessons to help overcome the challenges of being single and lonely. The following are 5 really positive ways to counteract and manage our situation. Lessons from the statements of our contributors in this article are included.
- Get involved, no pun intended. Make an effort to engage other people in a conversation that is not work related. Aim for at least one such interaction per day. Conversely, get involved in community activities; give back by helping others through volunteering.
- Change your point of view. You opinions and views about singleness will determine how you react to finding yourself on your own. This is especially true for example if you had preconceived notions of when you should achieve the marriage milestone in your life.
- Value your independence. See your status as an asset, not a handicap. In other words, focus on all the positive benefits that being single bring to your life. Embrace your alone time. Self-care is a reflection of the value you place on your person. If you value you; others are more likely to do the same.
- Strategize to maximize your single-hood by doing things that many people postpone for the retirement bucket list. Learn to basket-weave, paint, play the piano or hike the Great Smoky Mountains etc.
- Pursue fulfilling activities, past-times and learning. The energy, focus and attention that doing new things require will keep you occupied so that there is less time to feel lonely. Loneliness is a natural part of being single. Just don’t allow it to limit you. There are so many things to do, to learn that will enhance your quality of life, increase your skills and allow you to grow into a well-rounded individual.
